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jericho! is a improv and sketch comedy group from UC Berkeley.]
Contact us at jerichocomedy@berkeley.edu
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No more until Fall2007.
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7 comments:
My zombie plan is to disguise myself as a zombie and then slowly but surely working my ranks of the zombie hierarchy. Eventually, I will head a massive Zombie cult in which on a certain date I will decree that all Zombies will burn themselves for salvation. After this "Z-day," I will announce my candidacy for president running under the "I saved your asses from the zombies party."
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My zombie plan is to flee to Nebraska with LOTS of rations. FAR FAR away I will go. Yes indeeeeed. I sure home the zombies don't follow me to 423 Greenbow Way, Darson, Nebraska 44357. That's where I'll be and they won't find me!
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Any zombie plan, of course, must be flexible according to the type of outbreak faced. In most cases, you will face First and Second Class outbreaks. In such a case, the following is my zombie plan:
Firstly, the goal is defense. It is foolhardy and unnecessary to make an escape in First and Second Class outbreaks. Why put yourself in danger when such outbreaks usually die down from government or private intervention? Don't be a hero. The goal is merely to survive. Thus, the main priority is to outfit the home for surviving a zombie outbreak and attack.
The beach home is an ideal location for defense against zombies; not only does the beach access provide a natural boundary, but it also serves as a last-minute aquatic escape route if necessary (this is especially valuable considering zombies lack the physical coordination to swim; while they do not "breathe" in the human sense and therefore can survive underwater, they are more likely to wander around the ocean floor until their bodies decay than they are to figure out how to swim to the surface and attack you). In addition, beach homes are usually built on stilts to raise it above the tide. These stilts provide a valuable vertical defense against zombies. They lack the coordination to climb such a height.
I, unfortunately, do not own a beach home. A multi-story house is, then, the next best thing. In such a case, the plan is to store all the supplies necessary (see the list below) on the second and above levels of the home. When a zombie attack occurs, it is simply a matter of climbing the stairs to the second floor and knocking out the stairs behind me. Again, zombies lack the physical coordination to make it up to the second floor. This is only a last line of defense, however. I also plan to build a 10-foot concrete wall around the perimeter of my property. An eyesore, to be sure, but one I will not regret having when the time comes. This wall will provide a first-line of defense, allowing me time to prepare my home and knock out my staircase.
What supplies, then, are necessary in the defensible home? The following is only a minimum list:
Weaponry:
1) A rifle with 500 rounds (I prefer the M1 Garand semiautomatic rifle. Semiautomatics are preferred over automatic weapons such as machine guns and assault rifles because such weapons promote over-use of bullets. They provide a false sense of security to the user and usually end up in bullet-ridden bodies of zombies that still come after you. Remember, a zombie is only put out of commission with a shot to the head, so accuracy is key. The control provided by a semiautomatic is more likely to provide the necessary accuracy to take out a zombie.)
2) A 12-gauge shotgun with 250 shells (While the wide-dispersal of a shotgun bullet is not ideal for taking out zombies, it provides a "wall" of protection. A well-placed shotgun blast can stop a crowd of incoming zombies long enough to fall back or make an escape.)
3) A .45 caliber pistol with 250 rounds (Pistols afford very little accuracy, and are thus not recommended for mid to long range zombie shooting. They are merely to be used as a last line of defense to be kept on the person. If a zombie is able to get close enough to lay its hands on you, a pistol shot to the temple is quick and effective.)
4) Silencers for the rifle and the pistol (Zombies are attracted to noise, especially gunfire. Shots are always to be avoided for fear of attracting more zombies, but if they must be taken, a silencer can help mitigate the danger. You don't want to take out one zombie only to attract dozens more. If you don't have silencers, a heavy crossbow can also do the trick. They have the same killing power as a rifle with much less noise. They are, however, harder to aim and control. Practice, then, is key.)
5) Telescopic sight for the rifle (Again, accuracy and conserving ammo are important.)
6) Night vision scope for the rifle (If you think zombies are only going to attack during the day, you are sorely mistaken.)
7) Laser sights for the rifle and the pistol (Accuracy, accuracy, accuracy. Conservation, conservation, conservation.)
8) Katana sword (Messy, but necessary. In mid- and close-range combat, bladed weapons are always preferred over firearms. They do not require reloading and have no danger of over-heating or jamming. Katana swords are ideal because they are two-handed weapons. The power and leverage provided by two arms are more than enough to decapitate a zombie.)
9) Short-bladed sword, preferably a Wakizashi (Short-bladed weapons are better suited to very close-range combat than longer ones. The Wakizashi is preferred because, let's face it, the Japanese know how to make swords.)
10) Two other knives with smooth, 6-inch blades (Necessary for last-line of defense stabbing where slashing with the swords may be impossible or impractical. DO NOT get serrated knives, as they have a tendency to stick in whatever substance they are stabbed into. You want to be able to stab a zombie and retrieve your weapon.)
11) Hand hatchet (Easy to handle as a last-resort weapon.)
Equipment:
1) Plenty of water
2) Hand-pumped water filter
3) Replacement filters
4) Something to collect rainwater
5) Water purification tablets
6) Canned food
7) Portable electric stoves
8) Medical kit
9) Bicycle-powered generator
10) Gasoline-powered generator (only for emergencies. The noise and limited fuel supply are not ideal for day-to-day zombie survival use)
11) Gasoline
12) Battery-powered shortwave radio
13) Battery-powered flashlights
14) Battery-powered electric lamps
15) Battery-powered radios
16) Rechargeable batteries
17) Reinforcement material (lumber, bricks, etc.)
18) Tool kit (including sledgehammer to take out the staircase)
19) Lime and/or bleaching powder to sanitize latrine (do not count on plumbing to stay intact during an outbreak)
20) High-powered telescope with spare lens
21) Emergency flares
22) Fire extinguishers
23) Earplugs (To block out the constant moaning of zombies, which can take a significant psychological toll.)
Having all these supplies ready, a plan is also necessary for when the attack occurs. When the first news of an outbreak occurs, the first priority is to take everything needed to the second floor and take out the staircase. Next, my plan would be to fill all the tubs and sinks with water (the more drinking water available, the better. You never know when the plumbing will shut off). Then, one area (preferably outdoors) must be designated as a latrine for when the plumbing goes out. If possible, a vegetable garden should be started to provide a longer-term source of food. Other general rules to follow: maintain a low profile, patrol constantly, exercise, stay entertained, and dispose of all bodies before they decay and become a source of infection. And, above all, plan an escape route for if your supplies run out or the outbreak turns into a Class 3.
If the zombie outbreak does turn to Class 3, I would be forced to leave my home. I would either run out of supplies or the sheer number of zombies would be enough to overcome my defense. In this case, I would seek out other alternatives: a military compound, a jail, or an offshore oil rig. The first two provide superior fortress-like protection. The last, provided there is transport available, is a natural haven from zombies, because they cannot swim. Of course, I have such locations already scouted. I have plenty of maps and a detailed plan on how to get there if ever necessary. For transport, I will rely on the simple bicycle. This may seem dangerous, but they have neither the fuel limitations nor the noise factor of automobiles and motorcycles. They are also much easier to get in and out of tight areas (I doubt the roads will be of driving condition when a Class 3 zombie attack occurs). As far as water transportation goes, I have a rowboat with a back-up sail to get to the oil rig (again, relying on noisy and fuel-dependent motors is not advised. The sail is only a backup because I don't want to be at the mercy of the winds). Lastly, I am currently in the process of saving up for an airship. They are not only mostly noiseless, but they can stay aloft for weeks and can be easily steered.
If the zombie outbreak reaches the catstrophic levels of Class 4, my plan is to find religion. Fast.
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Looks like the Survival Guide is pretty handy.
i want to live with jonty
Amos, you forget that zombies do not have the brain function to:
a) Log on to the internet
b) comprehend any zombie plan, whether in English or Pig Latin
Remember, they are mindless eating machines.
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